Let Me Sign
by bama02614
Summary: Nate/Serena one shot set sometime in the future. Details Serena's doomed feelings for Nate, and why they never had a chance to get off the ground. Brief mentions of Blair.


**Author's Note: **This is a Nate/Serena story, set sometime in the future, could be near future, maybe not. It follows along with what has happened on the show so far. It's basically my drabbles on how Serena feels about him deep down inside. The title and song lyrics come from Robert Pattinson's soulful song "Let Me Sign" from the Twilight soundtrack. I recommend listening to it if you give a chance. It haunts, I swear. Feedback is appreciated, it's been a while since I've actually been able to write for fun, and not classes.

**Let Me Sign**

…

_She spoke with a voice  
That struck at the sky  
She said, "come on over  
Bittersweet  
I'll wrap you in my arms"  
And She said, "Let me sign"  
"Let me sign"_

You think maybe he knows, maybe he can see right through you, but you never ask. You just sit across from him, and pat his hand, and tell him it'll all be okay. Because fuck it, it just might. But probably it won't, and that's too sad to say out loud, so you refrain and just keep touching him like your life depends on it. And hey, it actually could. Because you know when you walk out of this room, he's going to run to her and beg her to forgive him, and she probably will. And then you've lost him. You've lost him to your silence, to your pride, to that scary feeling in the pit of your stomach that jumps around whenever you're near him.

They've devoured you, he's devoured you, and he doesn't even know it. All he sees is her now, her hair, her eyes, her kisses. But you want him to see you. You finally want him to turn around and profess it all over again. Your answer will be different this time. You won't run, you won't hide. There is no other boy. You see blue. You see sail boats. You see lacrosse. You see HIM. But he can't see you, because she's stepped up before you could say boo. You contemplate just laying it out for him now. You think you might have a small chance, but you're a coward. You can't do it, and that other girl is counting on it. She doesn't realize she is, she doesn't even realize you're a threat. But you could be, maybe you even were once upon a time. But time has passed at a frightening speed, and he's drifting so far away from you, you're sure you'll never find him again once you let go. So, you hold on, gripping so tightly with your paint cracked nails that he winces. He doesn't pull away, or tell you to loosen up though.

Maybe he's afraid too. Maybe he can feel this moment just like you can. It's all changing, right now, right here, it's all going to hell. You never thought it would come to this. You thought you had forever. Hadn't he promised you that once? He might have been drunk, and you probably were too, but a promise is a promise. He's not keeping his end of the bargain up. He didn't wait for you like he was supposed to. You were too slow, too selfish, too stupid. She got there before you, she loved him and told him so. He liked the validation, and you missed the moment she became more important than you. He started calling her, and your name fell down on the list of most important people. His still remains the same, right up there beside the only other person you can't live without.

Life played a trick on you. You got them both, but you could never really have them together. You had to choose and the choice sucked. You kept making it over and over, changing your mind and your heart until they both walked away. They came back, just like you did, but was never the same. She has someone, he has someone, and you're left with no one. You had it all, now there's nothing but this moment. This moment where you wish you could climb inside him, and reside for the rest of your life. You think about telling him this. You think about confessing your deepest darkest secret. Not that you killed someone, not even that you were a whore. None of that is that deep or that dark. No, the thing you want to tell him is that you love him. You've loved him since you were five, and he let you color rainbows on his shoes, and kissed your cheek. None of the other boys did sweet things like that, and you knew he was special.

He told you of far off places, and together you dreamed of a life full of adventures. He was going to be your ultimate adventure, your cliff diving experience when you finally had the balls to go there. But he gave up. He's hanging out in candy land with another girl, and you're lagging on the side wishing it was you. It could have been you. There were moments when it was you. When you were sailing with him, the wind in your hair, his hand in your hand… it all fades over time. You can barely remember some things, and yet others refuse to fade. His kiss, his touch, that stray look in his eyes when you turned away from him that last time.

You broke him. You see that now, maybe you saw it then but you couldn't accept it. You have to now, because the time has already passed to undo it. It's done. You're done. He's gone away. He's left you in a house full of mirrors where all you can do is look into empty blue eyes. You're free. You're fun. You're the toast of the fucking town. But he's gone. He's left you even though you're still holding onto him for dear life. His mind has wandered already thinking of his reunion with her. You want to shake him, to scream, to beg. You'd even cry. Yes, you'd cry. You just might right now.

You will him to look at you. To see you. Please see me, you scream inside your head, but he just looks out the window. Defeat is so deafening, it's sucking the air out of the room, and you couldn't breathe to begin with. What's left to you now? No more cliff diving, no more adventures. He's headed over the bridge to a girl you'd thought could never be you. And maybe that's why he loves her, she didn't say no, she didn't leave him, she ran to him. You would run to him now if you could. You'd throw it all away.

He turns towards you one last time, a small smile gracing his perfect lips. You'll never feel them again. He thanks you for being his friend, gives you this look that you know you'll take to your grave, and then he stands up and bids you goodbye. He says he'll see you later, but you don't believe him. He'll never see you again. You'll speak, you'll smile, you'll fake it. But Nate Archibald will never see you again. He leaves, and you cry. You can't stop. You're not sure you ever will.


End file.
